Living in 'MERICA

I happen to live in 'MERICA. Perhaps you do too, but if you don't, let me tell you a little bit about my fine country. For one, you can't say the name of 'MERICA without shouting it. There needs to be a full expulsion of air which may or may not result in spittle dousing some unsuspecting listeners. If you're wearing overalls or suspenders, now would be the time to hook your thumbs in the straps and rock on your heels. If you're wearing a hat, take it off. You can't say the name 'MERICA and keep your head covered.

'MERICA is a great place. It's the land of outdoor BBQs, state fairs and road trips to national monuments. Apple pie is served every night for dessert, but don't you dare say you want it "a la mode" because there's only one language spoken in 'MERICA and that's 'MERICAN. You'll notice we don't use an accent mark over the "a" in "a la mode." That's because accent marks don't exist in 'MERICA.

In 'MERICA, we love our guns and explosions.  If it were up to us, every day would be the fourth of July, every day except Christmas of course, which in 'MERICA, is a state holiday. We love the Constitution and claim we love all parts of it equally, but really, the second amendment will always be the shining star in our eye.

Everybody owns a house in 'MERICA with a white picket fence and a perfectly manicured lawn. Old Glory proudly ripples in the breeze, even on days where there is no wind, and every night, children and old veterans retire the flag in a solemn ceremony. At night, every family eats together and then retires to watch football or baseball in the living room. The TVs are gigantic. They cost more than two month salary, and every family has a larger TV set than his neighbor. 

Nobody is a vegetarian. We eat copious amounts of beef, chicken and pork, but mostly beef. Nothing is more 'MERICAN than a 32 ounce steak. When we're not eating beef, we're eating corn, harvested by hard working 'MERICANs or potatoes, also harvested by hard working 'MERICANS.

'MERICA has never lost a war, will never lose a war, and by the off chance that we do happen to lose one, we shall call it a draw or at the very least not label it a "war." It'll be a military engagement that just happens to result in the loss of many 'MERICAN lives. We love the troops in 'MERICA. To not love the troops is akin to treason punishable by community shaming. We have a hard time understanding how we can not support a war but at the same time support the troops, so usually we just support both, because this is 'MERICA and that's what 'MERICANs do. Besides, 'MERICA would never go to war unless democracy was threatened in some part of the world.

'MERICANs grow up playing sports, doing well in school and going to college. We go to a State University, meet our future spouses and promptly get married after graduation. A litter of children soon follows who we patiently teach our 'MERICAN values to. We work honest jobs, blue collar, white collar, it makes no difference. The unemployment rate is 0% in 'MERICA and you retire at 65 with your house payed off and your grandchildren living down the street. In the twilight of your life, you crisscross this great nation in a camper, seeing all the great 'MERICAN sites and telling anyone who will listen what a great country you live in.

There's no better country on this here Earth than 'MERICA and if you ever question that, you're probably not living in 'MERICA.